


i fear when i fall

by songofwinterfell



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Mental Health Issues, School Shootings, Unrequited Love, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-13
Updated: 2014-10-13
Packaged: 2018-02-21 00:37:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2448878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/songofwinterfell/pseuds/songofwinterfell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki smiles, his mouth stretching into a monster's grin, sharp teeth and poison, and though he feels like he could cry and break into pieces and never rise again, well, it doesn't matter anymore. The gun is still in his hand, his fingers wrapped tightly around it as if trying to find some comfort in it, but he doesn't even feel it anymore, he feels nothing now.</p>
<p>(Or: One day Loki goes to school with a gun)</p>
            </blockquote>





	i fear when i fall

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this fic is a hot mess, I have to admit. And I'll have to warn you that this deals with disturbing elements such as school shooting and just overall violence that could be triggering to someone. Also keep in mind that Loki is by no means a reliable narrator. 
> 
> This was somewhat inspired by books Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult and We Need To Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver. The title is from the song mentioned below, and I recommend listening to it because it's a great song and it really helped me get into the right mood for writing this.
> 
> Comments are also very appreciated! If you have any questions I'll gladly answer them.

_i fear when i fall i can't breathe_  
 _(you know it's over, it's over again)_  
 _it starts inside my head and moves to every vein_

Belle Epoque - Tight Rope Walker

* * *

 

_Kolme..._

Loki swirls the fork in his hand, stabbing his barely touched salad with an almost casual viciousness, but that is all he does, he puts nothing into his mouth. He thought that he would be hungry given that he ate absolutely nothing at breakfast, but as soon as he swallowed the first bite he realised that he was unable to eat anything else. The salad in front of him certainly looks delicious, evenly cut slices of cucumber and tomato with fresh salad leaves and pieces of chicken, made with love and care, but to Loki it all tastes only like dirt.

He pushes the plate away with a sigh. It's not like it matters anymore whether he eats it or not.

The lunch break is on with full force, the whole cafeteria brimming with people stuffing their face with food and chatting with their friends, and Loki lets his gaze wander around slowly. From where he is sitting, at a small table with only one chair so that no one could even think about joining him, he can see most of the people in the cafeteria, hundreds of students just trying to get through another day in this hellhole. Looking at them feels almost like he is scrutinising a terrarium filled with ants.

Loki keeps looking, that's what he always does, and it doesn't take his eyes long to finally settle on Thor. It's never hard to spot Thor with his booming voice that even deaf people could hear and his inability to keep a low profile. Right now he is laughing at something, loud and clear, and it makes people lift their eyes from their plates and glance almost enviously at the table Thor and his friends are occupying. It is an unwritten rule in their school that the table in question is strictly off-limits to everyone else, and if someone is stupid enough to ignore it, well, Barton is usually more than happy to remind them that there is reason they are the self-proclaimed royals in this school.

There is a wide smile on Thor's face, his eyes bright and his lips forming words as if he is in the middle of explaining something important. His muscular arms are swinging in every possible direction and almost knocking off the plates that have the misfortune of being near him, and Stark barely manages to save his hamburger from certain doom. Thor loves to talk, Loki knows, he is always talking about every possible little thing that happens to cross his mind at the time with unabashed enthusiasm. He rarely thinks about what he is saying, he has never felt any need for saving his words, and though Loki pretends to find it annoying, he really doesn't. Like everyone else, he can't escape Thor's spell.

Thor is larger than life, he is wild and boisterous and so full of energy, he cannot be held back, cannot be contained, and everyone who ever meets him is always drawn to him like moths to a flame. Loki wonders how they can be brothers when they are so different from each other, it's almost as if they're from the opposite ends of the universe. He would be lying if he didn't admit that sometimes he wished that he could be more like Thor.

It would certainly be easy to hate Thor. His brother is the epitome of perfection in everyone's eyes, the god they worship, and sometimes, more often than he likes to admit, Loki is jealous of it. He is jealous of how easy it is for Thor, how everything is handed to him on a silver platter when Loki has to fight for his scraps even though it is he who has always been the dutiful son. He gets good grades, he doesn't get caught in trouble, he does every fucking thing that is asked of him and more, but somehow it never seems to be enough. In the end it all comes back to Thor.

Loki looks at his brother, precious, perfect, golden Thor, the boy he loves and loves too much. He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes and locking up his emotions somewhere he'll never ever find them again, burying them deep, and then he pulls the gun out of his backpack.

 

* * *

 

_Kaksi..._

Everything is suddenly so _loud_. First mindless chatter and laughter, then absolute hysteria, and it's almost as if the whole world is coming to its end. Chairs screeching as people spring from their seats. Their shoes stomping on the floor as they run for their lives. The sound of gunshots as Loki pulls the trigger, bang bang, he shoots them all down. Screaming, so much screaming, they cry and shout as they fall down like flies, one by one, and it makes Loki feel like his brain is about to blow up, like something is tearing it to bloody shreds. He wants it to stop, he wants it to be quiet, and so he pulls the trigger again and again until there is no one left to scream anymore.

He doesn't even know what is happening. His body moves on its own accord, and he can't control it, it has all begun now and there's no stopping it. Everything is so chaotic, a train he cannot stop from crashing, and the world is spinning before his eyes. He is barely hanging on, but somehow it also feels like his mind has never been clearer. Finally he sees and understands, now he has a purpose, and they will never ever break him again, he is invincible. Nothing can hurt him.

The cafeteria is empty now and Loki stops shooting, just stops and stands still. Everyone has run away from him in panic, trying to get as far away as possible, trying to find someone to save them, anyone. He looks around and sees abandoned salads and half-eaten cheeseburgers, chairs knocked over and backpacks lying on the floor, people covered in blood. He doesn't know how many of them are there or how many are alive anymore, and he doesn't even care, not one bit. He can see their faces, some of them with their eyes closed, some of them staring at nothingness, but when he looks at them, he feels nothing.

He twirls the gun in his hand. It is still smoking and warm as if it is almost alive, the tool of this symphony of his making, of his requiem. Loki takes a new batch of bullets from his backpack and puts them into the gun. He will need them later.

He only manages to take a few steps towards the open door that is still swinging slightly before something catches his attention. Turning his head slowly, he sees a girl sitting on the floor and leaning on a table. She is breathing heavily, strands of bright red hair like fire plastered to her pale face with sweat, and she is pressing her stomach with hands stained in blood that is seeping steadily through her shirt.

Her eyes focus on Loki when she notices him, and though her face is pained and her hands shake, her gaze never wavers. It is almost as if she can see right through him. "Out of all the people in this school I'm not surprised that it was you", she says quietly. "I knew that it would someday come to this."

"Oh, please enlighten me how you came across that particular piece of information", Loki snorts. "I never knew you were a psychic."

She tries to pull herself up, her teeth gritted in pain, but it is too much and she slumps back to the floor in defeat. She shuts her eyes briefly in resignation and accepts that it is over now, realises that she will not walk away alive.

"You have always been different. I knew that there was something wrong with you", she says with a voice as cold as ice. "And now everyone can finally see that you're nothing but a monster."

"Well, if that's true you can hardly blame me for revealing my true nature", Loki says, crouching down so that he can look straight into the girl's eyes, their faces only inches apart. He sees no fear in her eyes, only burning hatred, and it's almost impressing. "Can you, Natasha?"

She coughs and blood floods from her mouth, splattering to her cheeks, bright red against the sickly whiteness of her skin. "Go to hell, Loki."

"Don't worry, I will", Loki laughs brightly. "I'll just have to do something first."

"What? Kill everyone else in this school? Didn't get to shoot enough people yet, did you?"

Loki shrugs almost absentmindedly as if he has no care in the world, and Natasha's eyes harden, steel and ice. "Why are you doing this?" she asks, and this time she can't keep her voice steady, it trembles with anger like mountains crashing down into the seas. "Why? I don't think you suddenly just decided to put a bullet through everyone's brain. You must have a reason for all this."

"It was just a bit of fun, really", Loki responds with a laugh, his posture relaxed, his voice calm. She will never know, no one will ever know. They can guess and search for answers and analyse him all they want, make up profiles and document every fragment of his life they can get theirs hands on, but they'll never know why.

A wide grin appears suddenly on Natasha's face, stretching her mouth into a grotesque mockery of a smile. Her teeth are painted in blood as if she has been drinking it. "I think not", she states in a low voice. "A liar can't fool a liar, you know."

She meets his eyes then, like a wolf preying on a sheep, and Loki's blood runs cold.

"You're doing this because of Thor", Natasha says slowly, tasting the words in her mouth and savouring the realisation. Loki can't hide his flinch, and her smile widens. "Yes, that's right, isn't it? I've seen the way you look at him every day, and though you might be able to fool Thor, the rest of us are definitely not that blind."

The smile is gone from Loki's face now, wiped away, and for a moment he feels like he cannot breathe because her words are like knives stabbing him over and over again, like rumbling masses of water pulling him down and drowning him. Then he recovers from his shock and puts on a stoic mask that reveals nothing, but the damage has already been done. "You don't know anything about me so don't pretend you do."

"No, no, I am right!" Natasha laughs loudly with a cruel little smile still dancing on her lips, her eyes flashing. "You think that if you try hard enough you can hide it, squish it, make it disappear, but I know _everything_. Tell me, Loki, how does it feel to be in love with your own brother?"

"Shut up!" Loki snarls and doesn't even try to lie because it's too late. She knows.

Natasha ignores him and keeps on talking, saying words Loki doesn't want to hear, can't bear to hear. "You know it's wrong, you know it will never come true, and so you try to stay away from him because it hurts less that way, but in the end you'll always come back to him because you can't live without him. He's your property, your brother, your Thor, and no one else can ever have him. You want to keep him for yourself, don't you? You don't want anyone else to touch him or even to be near him, you want him to love you and only you."

"That's why you have always hated Jane", Natasha continues. Her voice is low, dangerous, she is no longer the prey, the roles are reversed now. "Because she took Thor from you. You could handle him having friends, but she was the last straw, she took him from you. That's why you're doing this all. Just because you can't stand the thought of him loving someone else the way you want him to love you. And because you can't have him, none of us can."

She laughs again, choking on her own blood. "You must be so proud of yourself right now."

"Shut up!" Loki repeats, this time screaming the words out, and lifts his gun and points it right at the patch of skin between Natasha's eyes. His hands are shaking.

"Go ahead", Natasha says. Her voice is stable, there is no fear there, she will not give him that satisfaction. She keeps her head high and looks at him in the eye. "Kill me. Show everyone what kind of monster you truly are. Especially Thor. He tells us about you all the time, you know, about how important you are to him, how he would do anything for you, his _dear brother_. I wonder if he'll love you even after thi -"

Loki pulls the trigger.

The sound of the gunshot echoes in the room, fading slowly away into silence, but even when it's gone Loki can hear it ringing in his ears, an accusation, a judgement. He lifts his hands slowly, carefully, and wipes away the warm blood splattered to his face, smelling copper and tasting its bitterness in his mouth. His chest is heaving, his hands are trembling, and he takes a few deep breaths, in and out, in and out.

He glances at Natasha. Her eyes are open but unfocused, there is no one there, she is only an empty shell now. There is a small hole in the middle of her forehead, perfectly round, and trickles of blood are dropping down to her cheeks like tears. Loki can still hear her words in his head and he tries to push them away, but they are stuck, he can't get rid of them. Unable to look at her anymore, he turns on his heels and walks away, clutching the gun tightly in his hand until his knuckles turn white.

Natasha is watching him, Loki can feel her dead eyes on his back. He walks faster.

He has to find Thor.

 

* * *

 

_Yksi..._

Loki can hear them before he even sees them. Feeling calm again, pushing Natasha out of his mind, he slows down his steps, his feet light on the floor, and listens.

"We have to find a way out", someone, probably Stark, says, his voice edging on frantic. There is a loud crash then, like a door or a window being rattled violently, desperately. "I can't get this to open. Fuck!"

"There must be something we can use to break it", Rogers responds quietly.

"Good luck with that. The glass is bulletproof, remember, because some fucking byrocrats thought that the poor kids need to be protected from terrorists. Helps us a lot right now when we're stuck here with that raving psychopath!"

Loki edges closer, wanting to see them, to witness the fear painted on the faces. He knows they all are there, together like they always are, a team. A while ago someone in their school jokingly gave them the nickname 'the Avengers' after they had ganged up on a bully who had picked on Banner when they haven't been around to witness it. When they heard of it, they taught the guy not to mess with them ever again, and ever since that everyone has known that where one of them goes the others will follow soon.

He is getting closer, their voices are getting louder, and Loki takes a look at them around the corner, careful not be to been.

Stark and Banner are standing in front of a door, inspecting it and trying to find ways to get through it. The maintenance door would lead them out of the school and to safety, but those are always locked, and though Stark continues to pull the door, putting all his weight behind it, the door won't budge an inch. It stays closed, and Stark spits out another string of curses and bashes his fists violently against the wall. They come away bloodied, but he hardly seems to notice it.

The others are standing close to them and watching their wasted efforts. Loki's smile fades away when he sees Thor, and for some reason he feels like something is choking him. His brother is pale and for once his expression is completely serious, for once he is not smiling and laughing. He is holding Jane tightly, his arms shielding her as if trying to keep her safe, and her head is pressed against his chest. Thor's hand is caressing her hair gently as he whispers something to her ear that Loki can't hear.

Stark kicks the door. "Fuck!" He doesn't look that good, Loki notes, his hair is sticking to every possible direction and his eyes are wild and huge.

"Tony, calm down", Rogers says, his voice taut.

"Calm down? There is a shooter in this school who just shot about twenty people and who just happens to be Thor's brother!" Stark shouts. "Kind of hard to calm down when we all are probably going to die here!"

Banner takes a hesitant step towards his friend, touching his shoulder gently with a worried look on his face. "Tony, just take a deep breath. You're being hysterical."

"I think I have every right for that", Stark laughs, sounding defeated, sounding broken. He pushes Banner's hand away and turns his back on them.

"We all should calm down and just try to figure out how to get out of here", Rogers, always the voice of reason, says. Sometimes he reminds Loki of Thor because of the similarities in their looks, blonde hair and clear-blue eyes, but they have completely opposite personalities. Rogers has always been the responsible one, the protector, the leader. He can't afford to be weak now.

"Well, we can't just stay here, that's for sure", Banner says. "We're like sitting ducks here, and it's only a matter of time before he finds us. We have to get out."

"I don't understand", Thor mutters then. The others turn to look at him. "Loki... it can't be him."

Stark whirls around. "Newsflash, Thor, it is him! You saw how he just took the gun and started shooting at everyone. You saw all of it, and there is nothing you can say to defend him right now. That guy is a complete sociopath! A murderer!"

Thor shakes his head. "Loki wouldn't do anything like this. I know he wouldn't, he has never hurt anyone. There must be a reason for this all."

"Nothing can justify what he has done", Banner says. "We know you love him, Thor, we do, but there is no way you can ignore this. You just can't."

Thor gaze flickers between his friends, looking so lost, his shoulders slumped and his eyes dull. "He's my brother", he whispers finally. It is all he can say right now.

"You mustn't blame yourself", Rogers reassures almost gently. "There is nothing you could have done to prevent this."

"He killed her", Barton says suddenly, his voice barely louder than a whisper, the first words he has said since it all started. Everyone turns their eyes on him. He is sitting on the cold floor, his arms wrapped tightly around his knees and pressing his legs against his chest like a small child. His face is red and streaked with tears, and there is nothing but emptiness in his eyes. "She was sitting next to me and we were talking about something, about the party on Friday, she laughed but then she screamed, and there was suddenly so much blood on me. She fell down and I just watched, I just ran away. I left her to die."

There is a deep silence, suffocating. "She might not be dead, Clint. We can't know for sure yet. The police and medics are coming soon, and she could just be wounded", Banner tries to comfort him. "You can't blame yourself for leaving, and you know that Natasha wouldn't blame you. You can't fight your instincts."

Barton sniffles and starts to rock back and forth, tears filling his eyes again. "I shouldn't have left her there, I should have stayed", he cries, and the others can only watch him unravel before their eyes. "She's dead. I know she is."

Rogers kneels slowly next to Barton and embraces him. Barton clings to him with both hands, clutching his shirt as he lets his tears flow. Rogers holds him tightly and does not say a word, only closes his eyes.

"How touching. I feel almost bad for interrupting."

Loki steps out of the shadows and into the corridor with slow steps, the gun visible in his hand. Upon seeing him Thor pales even more, his skin now almost white. He holds Jane tighter, and Loki pretends not to see that. The others flinch, taking a few steps back like cornered animals, their muscles tense as if preparing to run. Their eyes flicker to the corridor behind Loki as they try to find a way out, but it's useless. There is nowhere to go, and they know it.

Loki smiles at them, perfectly pleasant. "I've been looking for you."

Surprisingly Barton is the first to recover from the shock. He springs up from the floor and throws himself at Loki without a second thought, shouting in rage. His face is covered in tears.

"Clint, _don't!_ " Rogers cries out, reaching out with hands in panic, and he manages to grab Barton from his waist before he gets to Loki. He tries to pull him back, but Barton isn't giving up that easily, he is snarling at Loki like a man possessed, screaming and crying.

"I'll kill you for what you did to her!" Barton shouts, his voice breaking. "I'll fucking kill you!"

Loki lifts his gun almost casually. "I don't think so", he says, keeping his smile on. There is a fire burning inside him, and it is glorious, never-ending, it is burning down everything in its way until there'll be nothing but ashes left, and he will make the whole world burn. Loki feels so alive, he has never felt so alive.

Barton doesn't care about the gun, he doesn't fear death, not anymore. He keeps screaming at Loki until his voice is raw and his words get stuck in his throat, until he has not tears left anymore, and then he collapses into Rogers's arms. Burying his face in his hands, his lips keep moving, repeating Natasha's name over and over again. Loki almost feels sorry for him, but not quite.

The others back off again towards the wall even though they all know it's completely useless. They are at his mercy now.

Loki expected more of them. He didn't think it would be quite this easy, that they would get themselves into a dead end and practically offer him their lives on a silver plate. They could have hidden in empty classrooms or toilets, but no, they made so much noise that anyone in the school could hear them. Loki would have wanted to hunt them down.

"Loki, stop this", Thor says, the first words he has said to Loki since they parted at the school gate in the morning. "Don't do this."

"Do what, Thor? Kill people? In case you haven't noticed it yet, I already did that", Loki responds gleefully. Thor grits his teeth.

Loki looks at him, he can't stop looking at him, and he also can't help noticing Jane in his arms. Their eyes meet, and she looks like a deer caught in headlights at first, her eyes wide in fear, but then she lifts her chin and looks at him straight in the eyes, her expression turning cold and hard, like a winter storm. Loki is the one to look away first.

"You go straight to hell, you fucking psycho", Stark spits out, his eyes burning with hatred.

Loki lets out a laugh and turns to him. "My, how rude of you, Stark. Is that really the way to speak to your friend's brother?"

"I'd kill you without a second thought if I had a gun", Stark hisses. "And I wouldn't even feel bad about it."

"Well, it's good that I have the gun and not you, isn't it?" Loki says and waves it tauntingly in front of Stark. It fits his hand perfectly, it's like an old companion. _I understand_ , it says to him. _I'll help._ "Makes this whole thing a lot easier."

"How could you?" Rogers asks. He is still holding Barton, who is completely broken now. He is leaning on his friend and looking at Loki, but his eyes are empty, he's not really there anymore. Rogers meets Loki's gaze, his eyes so bright and blue, just like Thor's. "All those people, Loki. People who go to the same school, people you know. How could you?"

"Trying to make me feel bad doesn't work, Rogers", Loki says in a bored tone. "They mattered very little to me when they lived and even less now that they are dead."

"You won't get away with this, Loki", Banner says. He is usually the quiet one, the calm one, the brains in their group. Loki could have liked him once. "The police are definitely coming and soon they'll have the whole place surrounded. They will get you."

"Loki, stop", Thor barks at him again, his disbelief becoming displaced by anger.

Loki shakes his head. "No."

"I won't let you kill anyone else", Rogers says suddenly, taking a step forward. He sounds determined now, no longer afraid. "Put the gun down. It's over."

Loki meets his eyes, his whole body on fire. "Nothing is over until I say so", he responds. He is unbeatable, indestructible, he is in control. There is nothing they can do about it.

He lifts the gun and shoots Rogers right in the heart.

For a second no one moves, no one even breathes. Rogers's eyes widen in shock and he glances down at his chest where blood is spreading through his shirt and staining it. His gaze flickers back to Loki, saying a thousand silent words, and then he falls. Jane starts to scream.

"Steve!" Stark shouts and rushes to his friend, catching him before he hits the floor. Stark presses his both hands on top of the wound, trying to buy some time, but it's not helping. The blood floods through his fingers and he curses frantically, his voice shaking. Rogers is not moving anymore.

The others stand where they are, like silent statues. Banner takes off his glasses slowly, tiredly, and lets them drop to the floor as he awaits his fate. Barton is staring at the fallen body of his friend, trails of dried tears still visible on his face. And Thor, he is holding Jane and pressing her head against his chest, not letting her see Rogers. He closes his eyes and tries to be strong.

"Steve, just hold on, okay? You'll be fine, buddy, we'll get you help", Stark mutters, still putting pressure on the wound in a desperate attempt to keep Rogers alive. Rogers's eyes are closed, his face is white, and Stark turns to look at the others with wide eyes. "Why are you just standing here? Help me, damnit! We have to stop the bleeding!"

No one moves, for they know that no help can reach Rogers in time. Stark's expression turns from panicked to defeated, his eyes moving back and forth between them and his friend who is lying in his arms. Swallowing back tears, he touches Rogers's neck gently with his bloodied fingers, and when he feels nothing there, no heartbeat, he slumps down next to the body and covers his face with his hands.

"It's not over", Loki repeats. It's time for them to finally learn it.

"When will it be?" Banner asks quietly. "When we're all dead?"

"Brother, please", Thor says, his voice trembling. "Don't do this. Please don't do this."

Loki smiles, but he feels suddenly so hollow. "It's too late", he tells Thor, shutting everyone else outside. Only Thor matters to him. "Has been for a long time."

 

* * *

 

_Nolla._

"Brother", Thor says, his voice barely loud enough for Loki to hear, not sounding like himself at all. Thor has always been the loud one, the centre of all attention and admiration, the boy who shines like the sun and covers everything else with his shadow. He is like blazing stars and crashing comets, he is the universe and the rest of the world is his orbit. Never quiet, never out of control. Never defeated.

Loki smiles, his mouth stretching into a monster's grin, sharp teeth and poison, and though he feels like he could cry and break into pieces and never rise again, well, it doesn't matter anymore. The gun is still in his hand, his fingers wrapped tightly around it as if trying to find some comfort in it, but he doesn't even feel it anymore, he feels nothing now.

"Loki, please, it's not too late yet, we can still fix this", Thor says, and he's pleading, he’s begging. Loki has never heard Thor beg because there was never any need for him to do so, but now he is truly begging. Loki had thought that it would please him to have his brother at his mercy, but no, it doesn't. "Just stop and think."

There is blood on Thor's shirt, Loki notices suddenly, so red and bright against white. He stares at Thor and furrows his brows because he is absolutely sure that Thor isn't hurt. He would never let Thor get hurt, he will kill anyone who dares to lay their hands on his brother, he will tear them apart and rip their hearts out and drown them in their own blood.

Then he notices the body lying on the floor, arms and legs spread out like a little child making a snow angel. The floor used to be white but it isn't anymore, there is blood splattered everywhere, forming streaks and puddles and patterns, a gruesome painting of Loki's design. The dead girl is lying on her stomach, her long brown hair surrounding her head like a halo, and suddenly Loki is glad that he can't see her face.

He doesn't even remember shooting her. He doesn't remember much of anything else either, it all has been blurry and confusing from the moment he took the gun and decided to make the whole world burn, his mind nothing more than a garbled mess filled with whispers urging him to make them all pay, and he is not in control of himself. He’s not in control of anything, really.

Loki glances at Jane again, cocking his head sideways as if she is something very fascinating, and then he starts to laugh and cannot stop. He looks around then and sees the reminders of his crusade, sees a pair of heavily taped glasses, a frayed purple hoodie, the newest Stark Phone, a pair of keys with a little red and blue shield-shaped charm, and Loki keeps on laughing. His laughter echoes in the room, the only sound breaking the silence wrapped tightly around them. There was so much screaming and crying when it all started, when they all ran for their lives, _help us, please, oh God, I don’t want to die,_ and it made his head hurt. He hated it, he wanted to make it stop, but thankfully now there is only the silence and the faint sound of the sirens in the distance, like drums signaling his doom, boom boom boom.

"Fix this? What is there to fix?" he says, his eyes burning with green fire, with madness so great that it is swallowing him whole. "I got exactly what I wanted."

Thor flinches as if he has been hit, his whole face crumbling like a house of cards in a gust of wind, and Loki just doesn't understand why. Thor has seen it all, seen his friends die one by one, seen his girlfriend die, but still he acts as if Loki's words are somehow shocking. Loki doesn't understand.

"How can you say that? Loki, this is madness! You're not yourself!" Thor shouts, his voice shaking.

"You're wrong, Thor", Loki tells him calmly. Thor flinches again, his feet trembling as if trying to figure out whether to get the hell out of there or not, his mind screaming _danger! get away, run run **runnnn**_. Loki feels like laughing again. "This is who I truly am, have always been. You've just been too blind to see it."

“We've been together all these years, ever since we were just babies, and we have done everything together", Thor says, holding desperately onto the lies he wants to believe in. "You can't say that I don't know you, Loki, you just can't. This- this isn't _you_."

Loki shakes his head, wondering how Thor can keep telling himself that after all that has happened, after all he has done. "You are wrong again. You claim that we have been always together, but that isn't true, is it? I remember very clearly how you abandoned me for your precious friends, how you threw me away like garbage."

"I didn't abandon you!" Thor exclaims, his eyes wide in shock and his skin ghostly pale. "I had my friends, yes, but you can't seriously think that they meant more to me than you. You're my brother, Loki, and you know that I love you. Can't you see that?"

Loki refuses to listen to his words, they will only poison him and ruin him if he lets them, and so he shuts Thor out, shields himself with an armour made of lies and shadows and keeps telling himself that it is what he has to do. "We seem to remember things very differently", he says coldly and does not look at Thor in the eye.

His head hurts, there is something clawing at his mind and tearing it apart, he can hear it screeching and laughing, sharp knives stabbing him over and over again and making him bleed. He can feel the blood leaking out of his eyes and nose and ears, drop by drop, monsters eating him alive.

"I never pushed you away", Thor insists. He takes a hesitant step forward with his hand outstretched towards Loki, not noticing that he is standing in a puddle of Jane’s blood that has leaked from the wound in her head. His footsteps are visible on the floor, the path that lead them all to this point. "I always asked you to join us, but you never came, and what does that even have to do with anything? God, Loki, do you even realize how irrational you're being right now?!"

"You drove me away!" Loki screams suddenly. "I didn't want to be with them, they all hated me and mocked me behind my back. I only wanted you, I wanted my brother!"

He is treading on thin ice now, he can see the cracks spreading under his feet, spiraling and twisting, and it is only a matter of time before it breaks down once and for all.

Thor stops, just stops, his whole face shutting down. "Is that why you did this?" he asks quietly. He looks at Loki, and though Loki wants to, he can’t turn away. Thor’s eyes are so blue right now, brimming with tears he tries to keep from spilling over, and Loki thinks idly that though everyone has always said that he has the most stunning eyes in the family, Thor’s eyes are much more beautiful to him. Blue like the skies above, bright like stars in the night, their colour changing constantly. “Because you think that my friends somehow stole me from you? Is this your revenge?”

Loki twirls the gun in his hand, and it feels suddenly so heavy, a burden he cannot bear anymore, and for a fleeting moment he lets his traitorous thoughts consume him and just contemplates dropping it to the floor and letting it all end. “Not everything is about you”, he snarls, but he is only lying, everything _is_ about Thor, has been and will always be. Loki can’t let him go, he is tied to Thor with chains he cannot break, and day by day it destroys him.

Thor doesn't know any of it. He doesn't know that for many years Loki has wanted him and loved him so much, too much. He has his dreams that he just can't get rid of, he wants Thor to love him and kiss him and stay with him, but they are only fairytales that will never come true, it's only in his mind. It's sick, it's _wrong_ and he knows he shouldn't feel this way about his brother, but he can't help it, every time he looks at Thor his heart clenches in his chest and breaks over and over again. He has kept it all hidden for all these years, tried to ignore it, to make it go away but it has done him little good. Loki still loves Thor like no brother should, and he hates himself for it.

_You're disgusting, what the fuck is wrong with you, why can't you just be **normal** , he would hate you if he knew, he could never love you anymore, never ever ever -_

“Then what is this all about?” Thor asks and takes a step forward again. He is covered in _her_ blood and his eyes are burning like the fires of a thousand suns, and Loki can’t tear his gaze away, he is caged in with no way out. “Tell me, because I just don’t understand. Why did you do this? Please, Loki, help me understand. You killed them, you killed my friends. You killed Jane.”

His voice breaks when he says her name and Loki grits his teeth and holds his gun tighter, clutching it until his hands start to shake. “Why?” Thor whispers and shuts his eyes tightly as if he just can't stand to look at Loki anymore. “You have to tell me why.”

He can’t, Thor mustn't know, he can’t know.

“Why should I?” Loki spits out, covering his words with poison to hide the storm raging inside him. He is losing it all, and he knows it. “It doesn’t change anything. What is done is done, and I regret nothing. And you know what?” His head is about to explode into tiny pieces, boom, and he is so, so cold. “I’m glad I killed them. Especially that _whore_ of yours.”

Thor finally loses it then, throwing away all composure he has left and letting the animal inside him take control. With a strangled roar he surges forward with his hands reached out as if trying to grab Loki and maybe strangle him with his bare hands. Just like Barton, and what good did it do to him? He is dead, they are all dead.

Loki lifts his gun and points it right at the centre of Thor’s forehead before his brother can get too close, trying to keep his hand from trembling. It feels so wrong, this is not how it is supposed to go, not at all. It cannot go like this.

Thor stops then, his chest heaving as he gasps for air, and now tears are streaming down his cheeks and dropping silently to the floor, staining Thor and ruining him.

Loki can’t remember when was the last time he saw Thor cry.

“How could you?” Thor sobs, barely getting the words out of mouth.

Loki tries to hold on, but God, it's hard. “Easily. They deserved it, all of them.”

Thor shakes his head, crying hopelessly. He is defeated, he is struck down so hard that he can never rise again, and he has finally realised that he cannot make this alright anymore, it’s too late, he can’t save his brother. There is nothing left to save.

For a moment Loki just looks at Thor and wonders how it came to this. Perhaps this was one of the infinite possibilities of the future, a path he took, or perhaps it was always supposed to be so, perhaps he was always supposed to be the one to destroy. He’ll never know.

Loki longs to touch Thor, to run his fingers across his brother's sun-kissed skin, to hold him, but there is a wall standing between them, too high, too strong, and he cannot get through it. They are close to each other, Loki would only have to reach out with his hand to touch Thor, but to him it feels like they are thousands of miles apart.

He laughs again because it's the only thing he can do now, but this time it’s just a broken little sound, this time he’s the one who is broken. “I thought I’d feel something”, he whispers to himself, unable to control his words, they fall past his lips and betray him. “I thought I’d be pleased, happy, anything, but I’m not. I’m just empty.”

“You got what you wanted. Loki, put the gun down. It’s over”, Thor begs one more time, still hoping that there is something he can do, still refusing to accept the truth because he doesn't want to believe it.

Loki lets out a sound that is dangerously close to a sob, digging his nails sharply into the soft skin on his arms and drawing blood. He relishes in the sharp stab of pain it causes because that means that he is not completely lost yet. “No, it’s not over”, he says and shakes his head. ”It’s never over.”

“You can end this”, Thor pleads, his voice cracking like glass. “Please, brother, just let this end. No more violence, no more bloodshed. _Please_.”

Loki looks at Thor, really looks at him, even though it hurts so bad that he can barely bear it. Even covered in blood and sweaty and messy Thor manages to be the most beautiful thing Loki has ever seen, pure and sacred, and this is the moment when Loki finally accepts the truth that he can try all he wants but he can never catch Thor, he will never have him. Thor will never be his.

Their eyes meet across the room, green against blue. Loki tries to feel something, anything, the fire that once surged in his veins and made him feel so alive, made him feel invincible. Even the smallest spark can start an inferno, Loki has come to realize after all these years, but it’s gone now, there is nothing left of it anymore, there is only hollow numbness spreading inside him. He is so tired.

“Perhaps”, he murmurs softly. “They’re coming, aren't they? They’ll be here soon.”

Thor nods, his whole face lighting up with sudden hope, the last chance for salvation. Loki takes a deep breath, and it tastes almost like relief.

“Just go with them without resisting, and it’ll all be okay”, Thor says. Loki knows that his words are far from truth, that Thor is desperate enough to try to make Loki believe in impossibilities. They both know very well that nothing will ever be okay.

For the first time since this all started Loki truly thinks of what he has done. He thinks of their faces, struck with horror and fear, of the look in their eyes as the bullets pierced their skin, of their bodies lying dead and cold on the floor in pools of their own blood. He thinks of Thor’s friends who never knew what they did to him, never knew how much they hurt him. He thinks of Jane, pretty, quiet, intelligent Jane, who always smiled at him, who died for Thor. And most of all, like he has always done, he thinks of Thor, of the boy he grew up with, of their childhood when Thor held his hand and kissed his forehead every night and called him brother, of everything he has ever wanted but never got.

Loki knows that Thor loves him. He has never doubted it despite the jealousy and anger and bitterness consuming him every time Thor turned away from him, every time someone else made his eyes light up, every time someone else made him happy. There was never any need for doubt, for Thor’s love is never-ending, he wears his heart upon his sleeve, shouts his feelings from the rooftops for the whole world to hear. Thor loves his parents, his friends, his girlfriend, but most of all he loves his brother. Loki knows that.

It was just never enough.

Loki lifts his gun and looks at it. It is cold in his hands, and the weight of it is too much for him, he can’t do this anymore. His head is on fire, it’s breaking apart, he is bleeding out. It hurts.

“I'm sorry, brother”, he whispers. He presses the gun against his temple and his finger curls almost delicately around the trigger.

He just wants to sleep.

“Loki, NO-!"

_Bang._

**Author's Note:**

> So what did you think? Oh and the words at the beginning of every part (kolme, kaksi, yksi, nolla) are the numbers from 3 to 0 in Finnish, kind of like a countdown. 
> 
> You can also find me in [tumblr](http://songofwinterfell.tumblr.com).


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